Posted in guilt, Parenting, The heart speaks

Whatever works! Whatever!

If you bring me a list of DON”Ts in parenting , I think I would tick most of the items as “Totally doing it”.

I don’t believe in perfect parenting,text book parenting. Not too long ago I was discussing this with Maya. I believe in “whatever works as long as its good for you and family – parenting style”. But today I feel that I am standing on the other side of the tunnel, thinking. The more I think the more I feel bad about my parenting “style”. I let her watch TV/cartoons/favourite rhymes. I feed her by showing rhymes. We read not-so-often.All of these a complete no no any parenting book/website would say.

Why am i blabbering so much today? Because Volt is refusing to eat. Its been more than a month since she stopped eating fruits/vegetables. Today its NIL not almost nil..its NIL. Since last one week even normal food is rejected, neglected ,spat down, thrown off.

I know that

1. This is a phase

2. I should not force feed

3. I am away most part of the day

4. My mother is doing a great job feeding her

5. This will change

But none of this is convincing me. Yesterday when I went home and heard that she didnot have proper food the whole day I tried force feeding her. I shouted. She cried. When I started eating I could not. I was feeling guilty. Guilty because I made her cry feeding forcefully, guilty because here I was sitting with a plate stacked with hot dosai whereas she has not eaten anything properly, guilty because I am scared may be I am doing everything wrong.”Whatever works” sounded great when everything was going as planned. I cannot say it now because I am under pressure and I don’t see it working. If I do it bad at 15 months , how will I do it right at 15 years.

ppoohh.. wait.. inside my brain I am actually shouting as I am typing..need to relax.. 2 secs..

Later I sat with her, asked her to bring her books one by one, read with her, played with her and went to sleep. God, children forget and forgive us easily. Only I am not able to forgive myself.

 

Posted in childhood, The heart speaks

Appa

I was 14 and had been to my mama’s place. When I saw him hugging his daughter who was almost of my age and laughing loud and my aunt shouting from kitchen that he is giving his daughter too much chellam but her voice was never heard as their laughter was so loud, I was just standing in a corner and missing you.
I was only 15 when I had to ask help from my uncle as one idiot kept following me everyday to my school. My eyes were blinded with tears on that day not because of that idiot , but because it was so embarrassing for me to explain it to my uncle. If it had been you, it would have been much easier and you would have comforted me then and there. I missed you that day.
Every Christmas I buy a plum cake and enjoy it so much. It was you who introduced Christmas and cake to me. When I was 12 we planned to decorate the Christmas look alike tree at our house . But then you just left suddenly and when I told the relatives about the decoration idea , I was just frowned upon. I missed you that day.
When I got three centums in my 12 th board exam I missed you.
We had an auto when I was small and till date every time I board an auto and sit with style ,relatives immediately say that I am so comfortable in auto because I am an auto owner’s daughter whatever that means but I miss you when they say that.
I missed you when I had to fill my first application all by myself, I missed you when I had to go to the bank for the first time, I missed you when I joined a prestigious college, I missed you when I joined work, I missed you when I had to find a place to live in a brand new city without any help, I missed you when I got my first salary, I missed you when I cooked for the first time, I missed you when I had to introduce B to our relatives, I missed you during my wedding.
I wanted you to taste the first Sambhar I made, I wanted you to meet B , I wanted to tell you that you are going to become a thatha soon….. I want you to know that sometimes volt sleeps with one leg bent and properly placed on the other just like you do.
Today when I watch volt jumping into her father’s hands with her toothless smile , my heart fills with joy.

Posted in a dose of thankfulness, The heart speaks

Breastfeeding experience so far and a thank you -2

I wanted to write about this few days back but wordpress and I had a fight. Trying again…
This is all about breastfeeding..feel free to skip if you are not interested.
My water broke and even though I had pain for more than 16 hours there was not much progress after a point. So I had a c section. I was  in pain killers for one one and half week. Nurses helped me to feed the baby. Though I had read about latching and breastfeeding positions (thanks to my office friend who asked me to read about these when I was pregnant),I was tired and I needed help. I did not care about anything and started feeding. Thanks to the pain killers I did not realize my mistake.
When the pain killers were stopped,started my pain. Not the c section pain,the pain due to cracked nipples. Before I could figure out what was happening I started bleeding through the cracks.
I went to my gynaecologist and she gave me some ointment. She treated the symptom but not the cause. I asked my paediatrician about this and he was the only one who pointed to me the actual problem – latching.
With such a small baby crying her lungs out and people around you getting tensed every time she cries,also the sleepless nights,you will not have the time and patience to correctly latch your baby. All you would want to do is just put her mouth there. Obviously it was getting only worse.
I developed a lump in both breasts and it was red,hot and painful – all signs of infection.
I have cried so much during those days. Every feed was scary for me. I don’t know how to explain , every time I would bring her close to me and move her away immediately fearing the pain. It takes at least four to five attempts to offer my breast during every feed. My mom used to stand near me to wipe my tears. Sometimes it just flows , unable to stop , falls on volt. But Volt , such a good baby , never complained about that icky salty water on her. She just let me vent out, silently, carrying on her job.
The pain became unbearable and I was referred to breast surgeon, she removed the pus using a syringe an  gave me antibiotics. My antibiotics intake caused rashes and diarrhoea for volt,poor baby.
These were the medical issues. There were more.
Here everyone wants to know everything I think. 90% of people who came to see volt asked me if I am breastfeeding her,if I have enough milk. And I know only50% of them actually cared. Others just wanted to know you know.
And every time she cried uncontrollably, the first question would be “are you getting enough milk” . I had attended an antenatal class during pregnancy and met a paediatrician with B. He told us to always always believe in ourselves and not worry about supply. When people keep asking you if there is enough milk, when your baby is howling and with the pain, you naturally will feel low. But I remembered and followed  his advice. I was confident. There was a time I had serious doubts too. B helped me to regain my confidence.
When you are struggling,trying to get a grip,these questions though they may be out of genuine concern sometimes, will have a negative impact mentally if not physically. Thanks to that doctor and B , I managed this one.
After like 8 weeks things started settling, cracks are less painful now . Even now there are questions about flow/ supply but I am handling it. When the weight scale says that the supply is slow I will do the needful.

This is what I learnt
1. It will take time to learn breastfeeding both for your baby and you. Remember you are new to this.
2. Don’t put a timeline or have a time limit within which you have to settle. For eg don’t think that things will be ok in 2 weeks exactly or 6 weeks. It is different for each and every mother and each and every baby.if you have a time limit, at the end of it you will be even more stressed. Take it slow. Every day is a new day, every time there is a little progress. It is getting better.
3. Have faith in yourself.
4. Just like breast feeding , top feeding is also natural.

Thanks to the doctor , thanks to B and Amma and my mil who helped a lot in that difficult phase.

Posted in Parenting, The heart speaks

Baby , guilt and self-confidence

Mood swings – Something I should have had during pregnancy but I feel I am having them now.

Both Amma and MIL are with me. B comes here during weekends which means there are 4 elders and one baby.Nobody complaints about their disturbed sleep or lack of any schedule.The moment baby volt cries everyone come running to check her, to soothe her, to pacify her , to carry her for hours. Then what is the problem you ask? I am.

Some days nights are ok, pass quietly.But there are nights when I struggle inside.Frankly if you ask me all I do is feed baby volt. For everything else, too many people are at home and they are more than happy to help. For eg. at nights when she cries I wake up and feed her.If she cannot go back to sleep, amma or MIL pacify her even if it takes hours.I feel good at that time for all the help, but in the morning I start feeling guilty.I should have put her to sleep by myself instead of looking for help.I mean seeking help is not bad, esp. in the first few weeks but after that initial recovery time I should start doing things right? Sometimes it gets worse, I doubt if I can be good parent.

I have severely cracked nipples. Ointments, coconut oil, butter, name anything I have tried all, but it is still the same. Some days the pain is manageable. Some days it hurts a lot, a lot that I cry, that I keep looking at the clock and wait for that feeding session to get over. As soon as it gets over I start feeling guilty. Guilty for thinking only about the pain all the time, guilty for looking at the clock all the time instead of focussing on Volt. I wrote one long rant post about this last week but it got wiped out accidentally. I am feeling much better now. I don’t check the clock these days. It is a big improvement and I am proud of myself to have reached here.

Slowly I am trying to come out of all these guilt and trying to build my confidence. Actually very slowly.  Send me hugs but be very gentle please.

Posted in Blogathon 2014, Emotions, The heart speaks

Mix up

Dear that person,

Please read carefully. I have even added emoticons for clear representation.

HAPPY 🙂  – When the other person feels happy for something good happening to them, you too feel happy.

SAD 😦 – When the other person has a problem and feels sad , you feel sad.

JEALOUS   👿  – It is mostly bad . Better to stay away from it.

All clear ? It is not so difficult right? Do you feel sad and start crying when something GOOD happens to you? or do you feel excited and happy when you are in crisis??? NO right? Then why all this mix up when things happen to others?

Get your emotions correct!

by,

One irritated 😡 soul.

Posted in Blogathon 2014, The heart speaks

I have no title for this

Those who travel by train between Chennai and Bangalore know how crowded the trains are,how difficult it is to get a ticket on any day.

After the initial struggle with irctc once you board the train and manage to find your reserved seat, squeeze all your luggage in the space available,you will feel relaxed for like 10 mins. The compartment would be so full that you will wonder how this chai,samosa or bajji sellers manage to carry the tray above their head, pass through the crowd without losing balance. One thought would lead to another and before you know it you would want to pee. Now you spend 10 mins calculating the nearest toilet not based on distance but based on the no. Heads and bags between you and that peaceful door.

And when you start your real journey to the rest room,you start moving by carefully finding that microscopic space where you can keep your leg just to satisfy gravity. Too bad that you cannot fly. When you are exactly half way between your seat and the rest room, the samosa, bajji or cutlet wala will come towards you. Suddenly all the confidence you had while sitting safely in your seat on him and his balancing will disappear and you imagine him losing balance and dropping that full tray on your head with the tomato ketchup or coconut chutney.

A five minute job will look like years and finally when you reach the destination( no not the toilet,the real destination I mean)you will feel so tired as if you only pulled the whole train.

Now if this is on a normal day ,imagine during pongal/sankranthi.

When I told my chithi that amma is in hospital she did not have any second thoughts. She caught the next available train without reservation and landed here to help us. How will I show my gratitude,I am clueless.

Posted in Blogathon 2014, The heart speaks

The energy drink

We all have more energy than we think we have. We all are a lot more stronger than we believe. Only problem is this extra energy or strength is tightly packed in a container and kept hidden within ourselves.Like air-tight it is a thought-tight package. We don’t know that we have it until there is a need.

When we face a problem, we initially struggle. We get confused . We struggle hard with all the energy we think we have to overcome it. Most problems will get solved at this stage. But at times we realize that this is not enough. Everything looks big. We feel weak. As a result , anything and everything will shake us, irritate us, make us angry ,make us feel helpless .We never search for that extra energy pack,because we are too busy shouting, crying , shutting ourselves down, we don’t realize we have it.

Like any other container, this energy container of ours needs an opener. And this opener varies from individual to individual. For some people, all they need is some assurance from loved ones, for others a prayer can help. For me both works. Either B or my amma have to talk to me calmly saying that I can handle this situation . When it comes to prayer only thing is  there are some conditions(for me). Accusing or shouting prayers won’t work. ‘Why me?’ kind of prayers can never find that package. After all the yelling and shouting,my prayer reaches a stage where instead of asking a solution for the problem I ask for strength to handle the problem .That’s it. The package opens!

Whether I solve the problem or not, I get another chance to fight with full energy. That matters a lot!

 

 

Posted in Happy Little things, Nostalgia, The heart speaks

Love is magical

Hello dearest,

It has been almost 10 years since we knew each other. Thinking about those old times when we were really young.. All I knew about you was you were one genius and very helpful .Years rolled faster with so much fun and it was in final year when we spent most time together.

How I used to spend hours together in your room talking about all sorta things from power electronics to good looking guys. Our secret talks in the so called garden about the problems we had. LOL . Problems? really were they? But sounded big at that time.

Dressing up for college festivals , calling each other ‘super figure’ 😛 , making maggi just with a kettle and a stainless steel dabba and guarding the dabba with huge books so that the heat doesnot escape 😀 , waiting for that last spoon of maggi, discovering pasta, all the home trips 🙂 Oh and how I used your phone to talk to B daily but tease you with him  just to divert people 😀

How can I forget our dramatic hug on a National Highway when we met for convocation after 4 months.

We both moved to same city for jobs, though our meeting/talking had reduced drastically , it never ever affected us , whenever we met/spoke we did it just like we would have done that everyday.

You got married and moved to a different country and then I got married.The day you left this city and I kept watching your train leave the station with tears in eyes and a stupid smile on my face because of that silly joke you cracked just before leaving. Girl, You and your jokes – never fails to crack me up.

We call each other once in a blue moon but whenever I see your name flashing on my mobile I jump with joy and I always do feel the same excitement on your side too. The way you end your phone calls with a weird noise , wait for a minute for me to respond and clarify later that the noise you made was ‘you sending me a kiss’ 😀 Stay the way you are !

You are in a very beautiful phase now . Enjoy each and every moment . I am so so happy for you. How much things have changed in these 10 years but still last sunday also when we spoke the excitement was still there. I could still feel and enjoy the same love , same silliness , your same stupid jokes and ya the same weird kiss 🙂

You are one beautiful person ! Wishing you all happiness in life !

Please ask the little one inside you to kick you few times extra on behalf of this aunt 😀

Loads of love and prayers,

your awesome friend 😀

 

 

 

 

Posted in The heart speaks

The art of saying “I Don’t Know”

Few days back, during lunch time we were discussing about the sentence “I don’t know”. How people take it when someone says I don’t know or how difficult is it for someone to say I don’t know.

When I started working, for few days I had no work at all. And when I got some work ,many things were new . When a senior person asked me some question I said I don’t know how to do it. The response was such that I decided never to say I don’t know, even though I don’t know. Everytime some question came to my mind I had another question attached to it- Is it a very stupid question.

So when we were discussing about this, we were thinking what the problem is. May be ‘I don’t know’ is considered as ‘stupidity’ . May be people judge too quickly. And the problem is it shows up in their response. Many time I have felt that when you say I don’t know and ask people to explain, the response will not be clear. You will still be in ‘I don’t know’ state after the conversation. Sometimes even worse, you will feel bad about yourself  and next time you won’t feel all that comfortable to say ‘I don’t know’.

To workaround , when I had questions I started the conversation like this

“Hello..  may be this question is very stupid,but could you please explain how y works”

So the idea here is to give enough warning to the opposite person  that a question which might sound stupid to you is going to come next. Be ready to handle it in a nicer way dear! 🙄 🙄 😀

On the other side, just because someone thinks that you are stupid does not make you stupid. Nobody is stupid in this world.What you know the other person may not be knowing . In exactly the same way, what he/she knows you may not know. Accept it.Don’t stop asking just because someone is not ready to explain it.

I have few people in my team to whom you can ask any doubt. Never ever you will feel that your question is silly. I don’t know if they are judging me by my questions but the point is whether or not they judge , it never shows up in their response which makes me feel comfortable.A big thanks to all of them who have helped me to grow!

 

Posted in guilt, Me, The heart speaks, Uncategorized

The other side

Not very long ago I was stressed.Small things would irritate me big time. Days would be boring. Family functions were tense moments.
Nothing was clear. Nothing was happening in the way I had wanted/expected. There were days when I just went to office unable to do anything, came back home and did nothing.Not all days were bad. But the frequency of bad days were more. So much drama not because i didn’t get what I wanted but because I didn’t know what was going to happen. Mostly I went to bed shouting at baj on phone , vent out everything I had in my mind and apologizing later. He would be so calm listening to whatever nonsense I utter.He would assure me that things will change soon and we will be Okay.

I was a changed person . The devil in me was more active. Family functions, happy gathering , friends-relatives wedding – the things that should make me happy made me go mad.

Why not me?why good things don’t happen to me? – a few seconds of bad thought would ruin my week. Next couple of hours would be spent in wondering how horrible I have become. I was never aware of this part of me. Was this the terrible thing called jealousy I would think?
One day I called my cousin unable to handle it all by myself. I told her how bad I have become. The things which should make me happy made me feel what? Jealous?. I don’t know. Something was wrong with me I complained. She said I was normal which I clearly was not. But her positive words and baj’s constant support helped me. Next few days I worked hard to ignore hard comments, to answer sarcastic questions with ease, to handle any advice with a smile and to ignore unwanted remarks. I searched for the ‘good’ me when I heard good news. I forced myself not to think about me all the time.
Slowly things started shaping up as I wanted and the devil started moving out.
I could give hundred reasons for those negative thoughts – the pressure, the unknowns, non stop questions , remarks , accusations but no reason is good enough for such thoughts.
The only thing that gave me hope was the hours I used to spend regretting for my few minutes of bad thoughts. That, I knew what was good and what was bad.That, even though I could not prevent it I could control it.

Hope I am a better person today.