Posted in crazy thoughts, guilt, Road Tales, Uncategorized

what is this new technique

Read this post by GB…Same thing happened to me.

A well dressed man in bike came to me when I was walking back from office few weeks back (I was close to my home) and asked me where the nearest mechanic is. I pointed to the nearest one. Then he asked if he can lend me some petrol!!

I was walking and I don’t need petrol for that. I  agree that I sometimes call food as my petrol but never even thought of drinking/carrying actual petrol. Anyway . I stood perplexed. Then he asked where I work, where I stay. Before I could answer he said “you must be staying nearby can you get some petrol” I said no.Then he asked for money. The moment he said money I started walking. He tried calling me but I didnot turn back. After few steps I got scared.

What if he is following me, what if he finds out my home. I thought of changing route if he was still there but when I checked he was gone..with his bike which seemed to be running ON PETROL!!!

Now what GB shared sounds too similar isn’t it?

Another incident..I was walking from office to my bus stop. A gang of women and men came to me and asked if I can speak Hindi. For some reason I went ahead without answering. After few steps I stopped felt terrible for not helping. I thought of going back and helping them.It was a main road,what could happen. For some strange reason, my brain refused to go back and I had this urge to keep going and not turning back.

Two days later, again similar gang, at same place asking same question!

I am telling you today I am really scared to help people.All these are happening in broad daylight where vehicles keep moving.Though one part of my mind feels guilty for not being helpful, the other part says “Better safe than sorry”

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Posted in guilt, Parenting, The heart speaks

Whatever works! Whatever!

If you bring me a list of DON”Ts in parenting , I think I would tick most of the items as “Totally doing it”.

I don’t believe in perfect parenting,text book parenting. Not too long ago I was discussing this with Maya. I believe in “whatever works as long as its good for you and family – parenting style”. But today I feel that I am standing on the other side of the tunnel, thinking. The more I think the more I feel bad about my parenting “style”. I let her watch TV/cartoons/favourite rhymes. I feed her by showing rhymes. We read not-so-often.All of these a complete no no any parenting book/website would say.

Why am i blabbering so much today? Because Volt is refusing to eat. Its been more than a month since she stopped eating fruits/vegetables. Today its NIL not almost nil..its NIL. Since last one week even normal food is rejected, neglected ,spat down, thrown off.

I know that

1. This is a phase

2. I should not force feed

3. I am away most part of the day

4. My mother is doing a great job feeding her

5. This will change

But none of this is convincing me. Yesterday when I went home and heard that she didnot have proper food the whole day I tried force feeding her. I shouted. She cried. When I started eating I could not. I was feeling guilty. Guilty because I made her cry feeding forcefully, guilty because here I was sitting with a plate stacked with hot dosai whereas she has not eaten anything properly, guilty because I am scared may be I am doing everything wrong.”Whatever works” sounded great when everything was going as planned. I cannot say it now because I am under pressure and I don’t see it working. If I do it bad at 15 months , how will I do it right at 15 years.

ppoohh.. wait.. inside my brain I am actually shouting as I am typing..need to relax.. 2 secs..

Later I sat with her, asked her to bring her books one by one, read with her, played with her and went to sleep. God, children forget and forgive us easily. Only I am not able to forgive myself.

 

Posted in guilt, Me, The heart speaks, Uncategorized

The other side

Not very long ago I was stressed.Small things would irritate me big time. Days would be boring. Family functions were tense moments.
Nothing was clear. Nothing was happening in the way I had wanted/expected. There were days when I just went to office unable to do anything, came back home and did nothing.Not all days were bad. But the frequency of bad days were more. So much drama not because i didn’t get what I wanted but because I didn’t know what was going to happen. Mostly I went to bed shouting at baj on phone , vent out everything I had in my mind and apologizing later. He would be so calm listening to whatever nonsense I utter.He would assure me that things will change soon and we will be Okay.

I was a changed person . The devil in me was more active. Family functions, happy gathering , friends-relatives wedding – the things that should make me happy made me go mad.

Why not me?why good things don’t happen to me? – a few seconds of bad thought would ruin my week. Next couple of hours would be spent in wondering how horrible I have become. I was never aware of this part of me. Was this the terrible thing called jealousy I would think?
One day I called my cousin unable to handle it all by myself. I told her how bad I have become. The things which should make me happy made me feel what? Jealous?. I don’t know. Something was wrong with me I complained. She said I was normal which I clearly was not. But her positive words and baj’s constant support helped me. Next few days I worked hard to ignore hard comments, to answer sarcastic questions with ease, to handle any advice with a smile and to ignore unwanted remarks. I searched for the ‘good’ me when I heard good news. I forced myself not to think about me all the time.
Slowly things started shaping up as I wanted and the devil started moving out.
I could give hundred reasons for those negative thoughts – the pressure, the unknowns, non stop questions , remarks , accusations but no reason is good enough for such thoughts.
The only thing that gave me hope was the hours I used to spend regretting for my few minutes of bad thoughts. That, I knew what was good and what was bad.That, even though I could not prevent it I could control it.

Hope I am a better person today.