Posted in Parenting, The heart speaks

Baby , guilt and self-confidence

Mood swings – Something I should have had during pregnancy but I feel I am having them now.

Both Amma and MIL are with me. B comes here during weekends which means there are 4 elders and one baby.Nobody complaints about their disturbed sleep or lack of any schedule.The moment baby volt cries everyone come running to check her, to soothe her, to pacify her , to carry her for hours. Then what is the problem you ask? I am.

Some days nights are ok, pass quietly.But there are nights when I struggle inside.Frankly if you ask me all I do is feed baby volt. For everything else, too many people are at home and they are more than happy to help. For eg. at nights when she cries I wake up and feed her.If she cannot go back to sleep, amma or MIL pacify her even if it takes hours.I feel good at that time for all the help, but in the morning I start feeling guilty.I should have put her to sleep by myself instead of looking for help.I mean seeking help is not bad, esp. in the first few weeks but after that initial recovery time I should start doing things right? Sometimes it gets worse, I doubt if I can be good parent.

I have severely cracked nipples. Ointments, coconut oil, butter, name anything I have tried all, but it is still the same. Some days the pain is manageable. Some days it hurts a lot, a lot that I cry, that I keep looking at the clock and wait for that feeding session to get over. As soon as it gets over I start feeling guilty. Guilty for thinking only about the pain all the time, guilty for looking at the clock all the time instead of focussing on Volt. I wrote one long rant post about this last week but it got wiped out accidentally. I am feeling much better now. I don’t check the clock these days. It is a big improvement and I am proud of myself to have reached here.

Slowly I am trying to come out of all these guilt and trying to build my confidence. Actually very slowly.  Send me hugs but be very gentle please.

Posted in Volt speaking

Since amma is upset…

…I am writing on behalf of her.

Amma wanted to write a post for a long time, finally today she typed one lengthy post, corrected all her typos (which was there in every other word including spaces !!) and finally by mistake pressed back button in her phone and now the post is lost. She is fuming. She said she herself will write it again later as she knows more details.

I am doing good.I can now pull my own hair and cry out of pain. Sadly I need someone else to pull my fingers out of my hair.I cry a lot and demand people to carry me. I am smart enough that when people bend down and bring their hands to lift me up I stop crying immediately.

Appa has improved too. He can now lift me without any help. He being tall I enjoy the new view of our home.I know appa’s voice very well,I pause for a second when he calls me.He calls me with funny names, no one can come up with such names!!

I like to pee/poo on amma. One day she ran out of dress to change 😀 , thanks to me.

Thanks to everyone who commented on my last post. I will respond to each and every comment little later.Tata Take care.