Not very long ago I was stressed.Small things would irritate me big time. Days would be boring. Family functions were tense moments.
Nothing was clear. Nothing was happening in the way I had wanted/expected. There were days when I just went to office unable to do anything, came back home and did nothing.Not all days were bad. But the frequency of bad days were more. So much drama not because i didn’t get what I wanted but because I didn’t know what was going to happen. Mostly I went to bed shouting at baj on phone , vent out everything I had in my mind and apologizing later. He would be so calm listening to whatever nonsense I utter.He would assure me that things will change soon and we will be Okay.
I was a changed person . The devil in me was more active. Family functions, happy gathering , friends-relatives wedding – the things that should make me happy made me go mad.
Why not me?why good things don’t happen to me? – a few seconds of bad thought would ruin my week. Next couple of hours would be spent in wondering how horrible I have become. I was never aware of this part of me. Was this the terrible thing called jealousy I would think?
One day I called my cousin unable to handle it all by myself. I told her how bad I have become. The things which should make me happy made me feel what? Jealous?. I don’t know. Something was wrong with me I complained. She said I was normal which I clearly was not. But her positive words and baj’s constant support helped me. Next few days I worked hard to ignore hard comments, to answer sarcastic questions with ease, to handle any advice with a smile and to ignore unwanted remarks. I searched for the ‘good’ me when I heard good news. I forced myself not to think about me all the time.
Slowly things started shaping up as I wanted and the devil started moving out.
I could give hundred reasons for those negative thoughts – the pressure, the unknowns, non stop questions , remarks , accusations but no reason is good enough for such thoughts.
The only thing that gave me hope was the hours I used to spend regretting for my few minutes of bad thoughts. That, I knew what was good and what was bad.That, even though I could not prevent it I could control it.
Hope I am a better person today.