Posted in guilt, Me, The heart speaks, Uncategorized

The other side

Not very long ago I was stressed.Small things would irritate me big time. Days would be boring. Family functions were tense moments.
Nothing was clear. Nothing was happening in the way I had wanted/expected. There were days when I just went to office unable to do anything, came back home and did nothing.Not all days were bad. But the frequency of bad days were more. So much drama not because i didn’t get what I wanted but because I didn’t know what was going to happen. Mostly I went to bed shouting at baj on phone , vent out everything I had in my mind and apologizing later. He would be so calm listening to whatever nonsense I utter.He would assure me that things will change soon and we will be Okay.

I was a changed person . The devil in me was more active. Family functions, happy gathering , friends-relatives wedding – the things that should make me happy made me go mad.

Why not me?why good things don’t happen to me? – a few seconds of bad thought would ruin my week. Next couple of hours would be spent in wondering how horrible I have become. I was never aware of this part of me. Was this the terrible thing called jealousy I would think?
One day I called my cousin unable to handle it all by myself. I told her how bad I have become. The things which should make me happy made me feel what? Jealous?. I don’t know. Something was wrong with me I complained. She said I was normal which I clearly was not. But her positive words and baj’s constant support helped me. Next few days I worked hard to ignore hard comments, to answer sarcastic questions with ease, to handle any advice with a smile and to ignore unwanted remarks. I searched for the ‘good’ me when I heard good news. I forced myself not to think about me all the time.
Slowly things started shaping up as I wanted and the devil started moving out.
I could give hundred reasons for those negative thoughts – the pressure, the unknowns, non stop questions , remarks , accusations but no reason is good enough for such thoughts.
The only thing that gave me hope was the hours I used to spend regretting for my few minutes of bad thoughts. That, I knew what was good and what was bad.That, even though I could not prevent it I could control it.

Hope I am a better person today.

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15 thoughts on “The other side

  1. most of us have this other side that pops up given a chance.. its true “we can’t prevent it but should learn to control it”.. hugs ss..

  2. I am still learning SnS.I think as long as we can identify and agree what we do/did is/was bad I think we have a good chance to be a better person. That’s my belief.

  3. Oh hugs SS! I can totally relate to this one – been there, done that. Once in a while this beast comes out of me. And just like that I become a changed person. S bears the brunt most of the times 😦 Just last week, I cried myself to bed for what reason I dont know. I was unhappy with myself and felt bad that S was suffering for the occasional devilish me. The next morning was very clear and so were my thoughts. It all depends on how well we manage this beast within us and I think you did great!

  4. Oh babes hope things are now fine at your side..Glad you found a way to get rid of negative thoughts.I too so wanna change this aspect of mine,negative feelings and un-reasonable fear.

  5. SS, you should follow Tharani’s rule here : when in stress or any issue, just sleep off πŸ˜› πŸ˜›
    once you wake up, you will either forget about it altogether or gain a new viewpoint πŸ˜€

  6. First time here and have caught up with all your posts..You have aptly captured SS, “The only thing that gave me hope was the hours I used to spend regretting for my few minutes of bad thoughts” ..Firstly, I behave badly, then, realise it, then spend some more time feeling bad about my behaviour/way I reacted and desperately look for something that I can do to change whatever has happened..This last part is more tough..Hugs SS, glad that you put it down..I used to imagine I’m the only one who used to exhibit such non-sensical behaviour and make my husband (S) be at the receiving end of all my tantrums..

  7. We all have had times like these in our lives. That you are aware and are working towards making a positive difference speaks a lot about your strength. Hold on to the people you care about and keep working on the change and you will be surprised how quickly you get out this state. Hugs πŸ™‚

  8. SS, such a sincere and wonderfully laid out post. I am sure each one of us have felt guilty for being that devilish or negative minded. Blame it on hormones / work pressure or anything like that. Anyways identifying a problem is half the solution and you have already come 3/4th of the way.

  9. “The only thing that gave me hope was the hours I used to spend regretting for my few minutes of bad thoughts. That, I knew what was good and what was bad.That, even though I could not prevent it I could control it.” – Perfectly put πŸ™‚

    The good thing about such phases is the ability we gain to appreciate the other blessed aspects of our life πŸ™‚

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